It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
BTS – Hooligan
To think that people gave Rain’s “Gang” so much shit back in the day for stupid beats, lame hooks, clunky lyrics and misplaced R&B segues. We didn’t know how good we had it. “Hooligan” is “Gang” on steroids, but the wrong kind of steriods, the ones that give you diabetes and make your colon fall out of your ass.
Anyma, Lisa – Bad Angel
I hope you enjoyed this week’s Lisa comic review, anyway in this song she’s looking more like a comic book character than ever, all she’s missing is the underwear on the outside for no reason. I don’t know who Anyma is but I guess they were responsible for the track and it’s actually decent.
KATSEYE – Pinky Up
Someone told me this was “Gnarly” mixed with Blackpink’s “Jump“, and I’m not so sure. I can hear the “Jump” influence (a good thing, after a decade of slow boring beats it’s about time k-pop picked up the fucking pace a bit) but that’s about all, a couple of random spoken bits does not make this a “Gnarlylike”. People have yelling random dumb shit in k-pop songs ever since the dick went in the fucking pussy. Anyway it doesn’t really musically have what made any of those songs work so whatever I guess.
AKMU – Joy, Sorrow, A Beautiful Heart
More emotional support music for Koreans mentally destroyed by late-stage capitalism. Trust me, this’ll be huge in Korea, just like their other new song. I doubt anyone else will give a shit though but as far as I’m concerned it’s just good to see Suhyun out of the house.
T.O.P – Studio54
T.O.P really needs to just stop with the singing nonsense.
NCT WISH – Sticky
Another boy group song that isn’t about anything in particular. “Coconut milk shower, meet me down there”, why, what’s down there, a “cookie”? Never mind the innuendo, with bossanova in some parts and weird-ass synths in other parts, it probably needed to pick one musical direction and be a bit more “sticky” with it.
TXT – Stuck With You
Some decent sounds here but overall it’s kind of dull, although props to the cinematographic team for taking the usual k-pop street harassment theme onto public transport.
YOUNG POSSE – We don’t go to bed tonight
Young Posse are the latest group to try leaning into some serious 2010 style k-pop vibes, and the results aren’t bad at all.
Hwasa – So Cute
Hwasa’s best song, easily. Definitely not the best video because of the constant appearance of HYBE’s new pre-debut trainees, but you can’t have it all.
Dayoung – What’s a girl to do
Mid in every aspect, from the bland music to the generic girl-singer styling to the lame lyrics. This is what corporations think you want.
Yoyomi – Never Losing a Smile
I guess the song is okay but probably nobody will ever find out because it’s paired with possibly the most disturbing video of all time. I’ve had Yoyomi on my bias list before and if I was traumatised by this video, just think how much worse it’ll be for you.
RESCENE – Runaway
Not a bad song but the soft acoustic guitars are the wrong choice, something a bit punchier in the backings would have helped.
LOVEONE – Unica
I know that’s supposed to be some mouth fashion item at 2:23 but I swear it just looks like she has something stuck in her teeth. Get that dental floss out, girl.
FIFTY FIFTY x WeiBird – Say Yes!
Fifty Fifty collab with some rando and the results are bland, so this is a good oppotunity for me to tell you that the latest Kpopalypse survey is in its final week! If you haven’t done so yet, click HERE and have your say in important matters in the world of k-pop today!
AWU – Guess Who’s Back
If you guessed “some girls from k-pop group Pixy that everyone forgot about” then you guessed correctly. I wonder if I’ll remember how this song sounds by the time next week’s roundup rolls around.
SF9 – Last of Us
“Live” my ass, these guys aren’t even making an effort, watch the very first bit of singing from the first guy as he drops the microphone while the note is still playing (hereafter referred to as “Gfriending”). I know it’s k-pop so everything is fake anyway but you could lie to me a bit more convicingly than this.
AMPERS&ONE – God
If you didn’t get enough god references in the new Kpopalypse book Girls909 then Ampers&one have got you covered with their religion themed comeback which is a bit meh but the thought is nice. By the way, thanks to all those who bought the book and got it on the Amazon betsellers list for a time! Also extra special thanks for those leaving reviews, that sort of stuff is really helpful to me. Don’t be afraid to tell me what you really think, honest reviews are very useful! Hopefully you enjoyed reading, or at least weren’t too traumatised, but if you hated it hey you can get revenge for all the snarky roundup reviews I made of your bias amirite (and yes I know I ignored the song here but trust me that’s for the best.)
KEYVITUP – Keyvitup
I always read this group’s name as “Kevinup” and I think that’s a problem on a spiritual level somehow.
hrtz.wav – Nineteen
Okay, someone hit me with the lore here, why is there one guy wandering around doing the k-pop thing in horror movie makeup and none of the others even seem to care, like this is normal or something? Is this some kind of fruitless “we’ll take the mask off if we win a music show” stunt like what Pink Fantasy tried?
NouerA – We are young
They are young but also boring.
MW:MEU – Gummy Clock
Is this the virtual group on QWER’s label? I can’t remember, there are so many of these now. Anyway it’s okay if a little generic.
StelLive – I Want to be a Heroine
If it’s not virtual groups it’s this anime bullshit. It’s okay I guess but can I have some k-pop in my k-pop please, because I just want to k-pop when I k-pop.
PLAVE – Born Savage
And here’s the group that started it all. Have you noticed how Asian Junkie has been really slacking on covering Plave content lately? After a big start he seems to have lost interest. Maybe it’s all that drafting of NewJeans court case posts that is keeping his brain so busy he doesn’t have time for anything else.
Donghae feat. Jay Park, 1iL – Good Day
Jay Park too busy not giving my girlfriend soju to appear in a Super Junior thing.
Risabae – Spectrum
Yawn.
YongYong feat. Leedo – Vivienne Girl
Some people were keen to see me cover this song and I don’t know why because it’s one of those typical autotuned monstrosities with nothing notable about it.
Kang Seungsik – Afterimage
This guy was from Victon apparently. I went and saw Victon at Sydney’s 2017 KCON because the KCON folks gave me a press pass so that means that for a split second in my life I was about a metre away from this dude. I hope he’s recovered and is doing well.
Coda Bridge – Flower Vase
Bland as shit.
Yoomi – Water Bucket
This nugu staggering around in the desert mumbling some badly translated rap nonsense still has a better song than BTS this week.
Rockit Girl – Climax
In this era where everyone’s talking about their “cookies” and “hot sauce”, Rockit Girl are here to keep it real and save culture with their song titles. Pity the song just sounds like a shitty bossanova’ed up “Little Cat” but I guess you can’t have it all.
Rayeon feat. CÔNG DƯƠNG – MÊ CUNG
Here’s this week’s non k-pop feature, altough it kind of is a k-pop feature. It’s also just a heads up to interested parties that Rayeon who was in k-pop group Fanatics for all of about two seconds has now fucked off to Vietnam probably for good and is making better music over there than she ever was allowed to do in Korea (she wasn’t in the Fanatics-Flavor subunit if you’re wondering).
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Cristina Faye – K-Pop’s Vocal Crisis: They Can’t Sing Live Anymore
“Anymore” – hahaha oops! While the information here is basically correct, it’s cute that she thinks there’s a time in the not-too-distant past when vocals in k-pop mattered. The “gosh these pop music vocals might not actually be how vocals really sound” ship sailed before this YouTuber was even born, you can ask Cher about that one.
i-dle’s Soyeon on Her Alter Ego “icebluerabbit”
Some legit good questions and answers here about the art of studio vocal coaching. I can say however from personal experience that the biggest challenge as an engineer is actually getting the fucking singer to listen to your advice instead of their own ego! Many absolute dogshit western releases happen because the singer “knew what was best”, one of those rare occasions where the strict trained obedience of the k-pop idol system is an advantage, because it tends to restrict egos like that.
BoA – Only One
A reasonably okay if unexciting song, “Only One” is actually mainly notable for the impressive dance routine. Dance is not something I really know much about but just from a know-nothing watcher’s perspective it’s got some really cool ideas that I haven’t seen a lot of other k-pop dances try, I imagine this video probably helped BoA to get the lead role in “Make Your Move“. There’s also a “drama MV” but it has about one tenth of the viewcount, which is understandable because the dancing is at least interesting enough to get me through the somnambulant music.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week! And just remember, the latest Kpopalypse survey is in its final week! If you haven’t done so yet, click HERE and have your say in important matters in the world of k-pop today! Stay safe, caonimas!
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