It’s time to update the Kpopalypse bias list for 2024! Let’s take a look at who Kpopalypse is biasing this year!
Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions). However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although aspects other than raw physical appearance are a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.
Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible. Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”. Let’s now check out 2024’s Kpopalypse bias list!
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THE KPOPALYPSE 2024 BIAS LIST
#1 – SUHYUN – AKMU
Suhyun has said that people are “cutelighting” her and saying she’s cute when she isn’t, but I actually think Suhyun is “uglylighting” all of us, by trying to push this idea that she’s ugly when she is in fact that most attractive k-pop that ever k-popped.
It’s not all about looks though (although it mostly is), listen to her here, turning Blackpink’s dreadful “Whistle” into something semi-approaching acceptable music. Your bias could never.
#2 – CHODAN – QWER
Chodan is cute as shit and seems to have big caonima energy. She definitely looks like she’s always barely restraining herself from stabbing someone in the face repeatedly, which is a quality I admire in a woman. I know what you’re thinking, “how can you stan, didn’t she tell all the feminists to make her a sandwich” but try to read between the lines a bit. She’s in a rock band, playing drums no less, also she knows how to box (video evidence above), she’s about as feminist as anti-feminists get. People need to stop assessing someone’s entire-ass personality on a few Internet statements, people have all sorts of reasons for saying shit. I mean of course she’s going to have to pander to the incels a bit, she’s a livestreamer, redpilled misogynists with no girlfriends are the people who spend the most on heart balloon kisses or whatever the digital currency is this week on ChodanTributes.com.
#3 – EUNHA – VIVIZ
When I was young my father was kind of frustrated that I was shit at every outdoor activity ever, because he was very traditionally male and outdoorsy so the idea that he raised a nerd child who was into writing and music was unacceptable to him and he’d always be dragging me to try new outdoor things, hoping that something would eventually stick. One of the many wacky things he decided to get me to try was horse-riding. I was pretty shit at the actual horse-riding part but the Christian horse girl instructors with very good posture all looked like Eunha and that probably made it the least unpleasant of all the tasks he gave me before he finally gave up on that shit, plus it probably warped my sexuality forever so that I would only be attracted to the most high-class women (like Eunha and all the other ones on this list), so thanks Dad.
#4 – JEONGYEON – TWICE
You have to watch her variety stuff to notice it, because the misogynist film directors over at JYP refuse to point the camera at her for more than 0.25 seconds at a time in Twice’s music videos, but holy fuck Jeongyeon looks amazing now. Not that she didn’t before (she was always the underrated Eunjung-meets-Deborah-Harry of the group), but she’s definitely gone to the next level recently, nailing a look that k-pop can’t ever seem to really get right, also known as “normal woman being attractive and relaxed and chill and probably not going to pass out in the next ten seconds from exhaustion”. If she’s happy I’m happy.
#5 – UMJI – VIVIZ
Nobody likes Roy Kim so Umji is doing one of his songs safe in the knowledge that nobody will ever listen to the original again and she can pretty much claim it as her own. Of course the song sucks but who cares, Korea loves crap like this so I don’t mind her getting paid, she had to put up with Source Music all that time so she deserves a bit of compensation.
#6 – ALEXA
Alexa reminds me of someone very specific in my real life who was super attractive and flirted with me for years when I was single even though she was in a relationship with some other dude (a bit of a douchebag actually) the entire time. I knew the flirting wasn’t going to go anywhere and so did she (she was pretty invested in this dude) but it was fun while it lasted. Alexa’s latest emo-lite phase where she has rock guitars and wears great clothes and swears a bit lightly in the songs and cries between promos about how her career is on the brink kind of takes me back to those days just because Alexa has a bit of visual similarity to her, I keep going to DM Alexa “are you still with that fucking loser, does he still whine like an insecure bitch if you want to do something else with your Friday night besides go and see one of his band’s below-average shows that you’ve already seen 50 times” and then I remember that they’re different people. Anyway I hope that girl is doing okay now because she was pretty cool actually and deserved better, and I hope Alexa is too.
#7 – ADORA
Did you know Adora is back on TikTok again? She is, but she changed the link it’s here now, thank me later. Probably the only person on the planet besides Lissa Caonima who uses Tiktok for things other than being bigoted, she should be stanned for that reason alone. Also she still has the lip thing.
#8 – YVES
BADING! I’m not lesbian, but if I was, I’d be lesbian for Yves. In fact I think I’m lesbian for Yves anyway. We are all at least a little bit lesbian for Yves.
#9 – EUNJUNG – T-ARA
I don’t know who the fuck the dude is in this video but watch him really trying very fucking hard not to look at Eunjung and be outed as a massive pervert when the cameras are on him. We can all relate to his struggle… or maybe only I can. Eunjung is always attractive and never not attractive and the only reason why she isn’t higher in this list is that number nine just seems like the logical place to put her.
#10 – JEEWON – CIGNATURE
Okay it’s time to start stanning Jeewon – but why? There’s lots of good reasons, so let’s list them all out. 3. She’s got the same eye-smile as Chuu 4. She actually worked with Yuna Ogura and they seem to be pals or something so it’s really cool that she isn’t prejudiced and weird about JAV stars like a lot of people are (especially a lot of you reading this on social media, you dirty misogynists hating on successful women for no reason tsk tsk) 5. She’s made several public statements firmly in favour of objectification (that various people have tried to twist the other way but sorry ahem no, try doing your research on those video edits, let’s not be T-ara 2012 netizens all over again) 6. having her in this list will probably annoy a lot of stupid people and annoying stupid people is an important part of Kpopalypse.com. If you’re about to write that comment, I gotcha.
#11 – DAHYUN – TWICE
Watching Dahyun do literally anything all is like that one time a few months after you graduated from high school and you got your first job and it really sucks but hey at least it’s money for the first time in your life and you have given up all hope of ever seeing your high school crush again but you still think about her every day and then one day you’re on your lunch break at your shitty job and you go to the music store and start looking at stuff and you hear someone say “hi, remember me?” and you look up and it’s her and there she is and you can’t believe you’ve met her again and this might be your one chance to finally make something of it and your heart jumps right out of your throat and you don’t know what to say but you better say something quick so you don’t look like a dickhead with your mouth gaping wide open so you just say “yes” really really quickly and wave because you don’t want her to think that somehow you forgot her because that would be kind of bad plus incorrect and you try to think of something else to say to follow up with to keep the conversation going but you can’t because ‘I really like you’ is all you can think of but you know that’s just going to sound lame but your mind is so blank that you can think of nothing else, and she is with her friend and she just goes back to talking to her friend while they shop for music and you just feel awkward now because you don’t want to interrupt because it seems rude and the moment has passed so you just walk out of there quietly and take the rest of the day off work and cry but then it makes you frustrated because you blew what surely has to be your final chance and you use the sadness and frustration energy and free time to go and buy a bunch of recording equipment and research some music business stuff so you can quit your shit job one day and then a few years later you actually do, and then it all just seems worth it somehow.
#12 – CHUU
On the other hand, the girls I do end up with are all like Chuu, in some manner or form they all have “Chuu energy”. It’s probably because I’m so mellow. People who consume my content on TikTok or Reddit or whatever other social network for idiots that can’t think often misconstrue my humour as “edgy” or “angry” but these people just don’t understand dry Australian humour and hyperbole. In reality it’s the complete opposite, I’m the most mellow person you’ll ever meet, I’m extremely chill. I think that’s why the Chuus of the world tend to get drawn to me, the hyperactive people like being around that calming presence. Likewise I enjoy the Chuu energy because if I went out with someone mellow like me we’d just stare at each other and never talk and then we’d just get bored and break up.
#13 – LEESEUL – ROCKIT GIRL
Leeseul, queen of using microphones correctly. She might be miming, and she might have no idea how to spell her own band name in English, but she can use a microphone at least in theory. You can guarantee that any time she is using a microphone these days that it’s being done correctly, because I am watching and helping out with this and letting her know when she fucks up and she actually listens and does better next time, unlike every other cunt in k-pop who never listens to a fucking word I say and then the industry suddenly puts a big dick up their ass and I just shrug my shoulders and say “I was right here all this time telling you about the big dick…” anyway stan Leeseul.
#14 – YOYOMI
Yoyomi has both the best and the worst fashions in k-pop, which is probably inevitable because she owns literally every piece of clothing ever. That’s enough reason to stan, that and she’s completely all-in on fanservice, definitely someone who genuinely loves it. It’s often hard to be sure in k-pop, because of the power of “external forces”, but Yoyomi is an independent and it’s very clear that she’s driving her own show, someone worth supporting!
#15 – SERAH – SYNSNAKE
Since Dreamcatcher the one great hope of Korean idol metal doesn’t know how to rock anymore, someone has to show them. Synsnake are like Dreamcatcher if they were heavy mixed with j-rockers Passcode if they weren’t gimmicky bullshit, and good music goes a long way in Kpopalypse lists, even this one. Serah always has seriously good dress sense too, there’s not a single video of this group anywhere where she’s not dressed outstandingly – just try searching. Truly someone who understands the Kpopalypse Fashion Class posts, Serah is paving the way for combining idol fashion and metal fashion.
#16 – LIZ – IVE
Did you notice that Liz is attractive? Well okay, IVE like pretty much any big group doesn’t really have unattractive people in it, but Liz is the standout for me. It’s probably because she’s a half-German wasian and so am I. We’re an oppressed minority, so I have to represent for my ethnic group and have her in this list.
#17 – MIN HEE JIN – NEWJEANS
Who’s the hottest member of NewJeans? Why it’s Min Hee Jin of course. The other members of NewJeans said in their recent ASMR press conference that Min Hee Jin is “an integral part of the group” that “makes NewJeans who we are” so that means she must be part of the group. In fact she’s more a part of the group than the rest of them given that she has broadly much more say in what they sound like. I’ve already extrapolated on my POSITIVE feelings about Min Hee Jin previously in a fair amount of detail so I won’t go into it again here, other than to say that I would take a lookie at her cookie, at her place only, I want to taste it but I know it ain’t for free. (It’s not sexual, what are you talking about, I mean her CDs of course…)
#18 – SWAN – PURPLE KISS
Swan is doing great but her agency are on probation – they seem to be completely incapable of pointing a camera at her lately, hence all those “special videos” lately where the girls have to do it themselves with mobile phone shakycam. We had this great video last year and nothing since, shameful.
#19 – RACHEL KIM
I like Rachel Kim so much that I started writing books so she didn’t have to. Rachel, you’ve got more important things to do, you can leave the task to me now, I’ve got your covered.
#20 – RAINA – AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL
Raina seems to think that we all love that horrible ballad she did with San E and not… you know, almost every single other damn thing she did across her entire career before she eventually vanished into sitting on chairs wearing white clothes ballad hell. So she ain’t getting above #20 until she starts doing OC covers at the very least.
That’s all for this post! The Kpopalypse bias list will be updated in another 12 months!
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